Gobble Gobble Gobble!!

To ensure a true rustic Thanksgiving one of the additions to your table is a self shot, feathered and dressed turkey.

The first step to this can be a blessing in disguise. If you've married a redneck, chances are they only associate with redneck men and are of redneck breeding. When the relatives start arriving, friends and family being as they are, you can get rather overwhelmed. Cut the number in half by sending the men folk outside to bring home the main event and get themselves a good gobbler.

This serves to satisfy a huge need. Occupying the people you have over is a key step in preventing the predictable family fights that go along with any holiday dinner. The whole family has to work together in bringing home dinner and everyone is then thankful for the chance to eat it together.

Step one: To catch a Turkey...

This part can be rather tricky. If you've never caught a Turkey before, the easiest way is to catch them off guard. Just grab him by the legs and lift it off the ground holding it upside down by the legs. The turkey may flap around, but if you're careful, and have a good grip on the legs the it won't get away. The important thing to remember is not to let the it go, because its going to be really hard to catch it again now that its on its guard.

Step Two: To kill a Turkey....

There are two methods that I've seen to kill a Turkey. One is to simply lie it on a chopping block and cut off its head. This can be rather bloody, but its a sure way to be positive that it is dead.

The second method (and the one I'm going to discuss here) is to wring the it's neck. If this is done correctly it's a lot less messy.

So, take your turkey by the legs (you are still holding it right?). In your other hand pull down on the neck and then bend it upward very quickly. If you've done it correctly, then you will feel a snap, and the Turkey will reflexivly begin to flap its wings. At this point drop the Turkey and let it run around the yard until it's body finished dying.

If you've broken the neck, then the next step is to drain out some of the blood. Hang the Turkey upside down over a bucket. Then with a sharp knife reach into the mouth slightly down the throat and cut across cutting the jugular. Be very careful not to cut through the back of the neck.

Step Three: To Feather a Turkey...

This step can be quite time consuming, but it's quite simple. Hang the Turkey (preferably over something to catch the feathers). It's best to begin with the larger wing feathers, and simply pull in a downward motion. Take care not to try pulling in large clumps, if you try to pull too many at a time, then you risk tearing the skin. Be sure to get all the large feathers and as many of the small ones from the areas of the Turkey that you plan to eat.
After you've plucked as much as you can stand, singe off the remaining feathers. Simply hold the Turkey over an open flame.

Step Four: To Dress a Turkey...

This step is not for the weak of stomach, but it's not too different from dressing any other animal.

With a sharp knife, cut around the anus. Take care not to cut the intestines. Once you've cut all the way around the anus and freed the intestines from its connecting membranes move to the head.

At this point you'll need a heavy knife or a pair of clippers. Cut off the head at the base of the neck. Reach your hand into the body from the neck, and try to loosen as many of the internal organs as possible. Now simply remove the internals from the anus end. If necessary reach inside the chicken to be certain that you've removed all the insides.

Step Four: To Finish a Turkey...

To finish up cut off the feet, and pull out any remaining feathers. If you so desire, now is the time to skin the Turkey. Then wrap the Turkey and refrigerate it as soon as possible. REMEMBER, wash the Turkey thoroughly before preparing.

That's it... you have yourself a fresh Turkey. Now, stay tuned for the recipe.


A few tips...

Visiting children or new age hippies should not be anywhere near this part of the holiday fun. Be careful or you could end up having a Turkey funeral rather than a nice golden roasted bird.

Make sure the dog is penned. No matter what, when that animal smells the blood of the bird it's gonna go haywire. You don't want Thanksgiving dinner being tackled like a foot ball and running off to the back 40.

Keep a few of the large Turkey feathers. Boil the feathers and dry them between a few books. It makes a very interesting touch to photo albums.