To ensure a true rustic Thanksgiving one of the additions to your table is a self shot, feathered and dressed turkey.
The first step to this can be a blessing in disguise. If you've married a redneck, chances are they only associate with redneck men and are of redneck breeding. When the relatives start arriving, friends and family being as they are, you can get rather overwhelmed. Cut the number in half by sending the men folk outside to bring home the main event and get themselves a good gobbler.
This serves to satisfy a huge need. Occupying the people you have over is a key step in preventing the predictable family fights that go along with any holiday dinner. The whole family has to work together in bringing home dinner and everyone is then thankful for the chance to eat it together.
Step one: To catch a Turkey...
This part can be rather tricky. If you've never caught a Turkey before, the easiest way is to catch them off guard. Just grab him by the legs and lift it off the ground holding it upside down by the legs. The turkey may flap around, but if you're careful, and have a good grip on the legs the it won't get away. The important thing to remember is not to let the it go, because its going to be really hard to catch it again now that its on its guard.
Step Two: To kill a Turkey....
There are two methods that I've seen to kill a Turkey. One is to simply lie it on a chopping block and cut off its head. This can be rather bloody, but its a sure way to be positive that it is dead.
The second method (and the one I'm going to discuss here) is to wring the it's neck. If this is done correctly it's a lot less messy.
So, take your turkey by the legs (you are still holding it right?). In your other hand pull down on the neck and then bend it upward very quickly. If you've done it correctly, then you will feel a snap, and the Turkey will reflexivly begin to flap its wings. At this point drop the Turkey and let it run around the yard until it's body finished dying.
If you've broken the neck, then the next step is to drain out some of the blood. Hang the Turkey upside down over a bucket. Then with a sharp knife reach into the mouth slightly down the throat and cut across cutting the jugular. Be very careful not to cut through the back of the neck.
Step Three: To Feather a Turkey...
This step can be quite time consuming, but it's quite simple. Hang the Turkey (preferably over something to catch the feathers). It's best to begin with the larger wing feathers, and simply pull in a downward motion. Take care not to try pulling in large clumps, if you try to pull too many at a time, then you risk tearing the skin. Be sure to get all the large feathers and as many of the small ones from the areas of the Turkey that you plan to eat.
After you've plucked as much as you can stand, singe off the remaining feathers. Simply hold the Turkey over an open flame.
Step Four: To Dress a Turkey...
This step is not for the weak of stomach, but it's not too different from dressing any other animal.
With a sharp knife, cut around the anus. Take care not to cut the intestines. Once you've cut all the way around the anus and freed the intestines from its connecting membranes move to the head.
At this point you'll need a heavy knife or a pair of clippers. Cut off the head at the base of the neck. Reach your hand into the body from the neck, and try to loosen as many of the internal organs as possible. Now simply remove the internals from the anus end. If necessary reach inside the chicken to be certain that you've removed all the insides.
Step Four: To Finish a Turkey...
To finish up cut off the feet, and pull out any remaining feathers. If you so desire, now is the time to skin the Turkey. Then wrap the Turkey and refrigerate it as soon as possible. REMEMBER, wash the Turkey thoroughly before preparing.
That's it... you have yourself a fresh Turkey. Now, stay tuned for the recipe.
A few tips...
Visiting children or new age hippies should not be anywhere near this part of the holiday fun. Be careful or you could end up having a Turkey funeral rather than a nice golden roasted bird.
Make sure the dog is penned. No matter what, when that animal smells the blood of the bird it's gonna go haywire. You don't want Thanksgiving dinner being tackled like a foot ball and running off to the back 40.
Keep a few of the large Turkey feathers. Boil the feathers and dry them between a few books. It makes a very interesting touch to photo albums.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Stuffed to the top with stuffing
Stuffing I find is the most important part of any holiday meal. Without stuffing what will you use as filler for your post holiday sandwich?? What other substance could you stuff in such large quantity into your small stomach?? That's right STUFFING!
Here is a recipe for some spice splendid stuffing.
The best thing about stuffing is that you have as many options as you would with salads.
What I like to do is take about a pound of spicy sausage that's out of the casing and fry it up. To go with a more rustic stuffing you might want to consider loose venison sausage. Keep it loose and light. The environment you'll be roasting this in will have enough grease, so be sure to get as much fat out as possible. Keep about a quarter cup of the fat and set aside.
Make a two cups of beef broth. Mix in your fat for some extra flavor. In a large bowl mix two medium bags of spiced bread cubes, the broth mixture and the sausage. The mixture should be squishy moist, but not soggy. If you need to add more hot water.
Chop up about 4 stalks of celery, two large green apples and a small white onion. Mix in the produce to the bread mixture. Also, add about half a cup of dried cranberries.
Now remove your turkey innards, save them, and rinse it out. This is important because the bird has been sitting for a while. Bacteria can build in only a few minutes. Pat dry and stuff that bird to the brim! Any extra stuffing put into a casserole dish and cook separate.
Here is a recipe for some spice splendid stuffing.
The best thing about stuffing is that you have as many options as you would with salads.
What I like to do is take about a pound of spicy sausage that's out of the casing and fry it up. To go with a more rustic stuffing you might want to consider loose venison sausage. Keep it loose and light. The environment you'll be roasting this in will have enough grease, so be sure to get as much fat out as possible. Keep about a quarter cup of the fat and set aside.
Make a two cups of beef broth. Mix in your fat for some extra flavor. In a large bowl mix two medium bags of spiced bread cubes, the broth mixture and the sausage. The mixture should be squishy moist, but not soggy. If you need to add more hot water.
Chop up about 4 stalks of celery, two large green apples and a small white onion. Mix in the produce to the bread mixture. Also, add about half a cup of dried cranberries.
Now remove your turkey innards, save them, and rinse it out. This is important because the bird has been sitting for a while. Bacteria can build in only a few minutes. Pat dry and stuff that bird to the brim! Any extra stuffing put into a casserole dish and cook separate.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Holiday Bar Ideas
I don't know why I like to start at the end of the evening and work my way back when it comes to making food and drink, but it's my blog so I'll do it!
You're man may grumble and groan about having to deal with all these holiday dinners right in the middle of the day, but after all the summer hillbilly'ing you've done, he can suck it up and deal!
I know a Martini may be intimidating, especially if the beer keg and wine bottle have been your go to for entertaining, but there is nothing to fear. It'll dress up you holiday party and have aunt Bertha trying to put her false teeth into the dog by the end of the night. All you have to remember is Martinis are COLD.
To keep the glass cold you should fill them with Ice and water. Let the glass sit while you mix the drink. To find bar tools and nice glasses for really reasonable prices go to the local dollar store. They usually have something that can get the job done.
Pumpkin Pie Martini:
Now it's almost impossible to find Pumpkin Schnapps anymore, so until it comes back on the market you can use Pumpkin Syrup or puree to sub.
What you need:
1/2 oz Sylk Cream Liqueur
2 oz vanilla vodka
1/2 oz pumpkin liqueur or pumpkin spice syrup
1 tsp whipped cream
cinnamon stick for garnish
~Pour the Sylk Liqueur and vodka into a shaker filled with ice.
~Shake well.
~Add the pumpkin liqueur or syrup.
~Shake again.
~Strain into a chilled cocktail glass.
~Top with a teaspoon of whipped cream.
~Garnish with a cinnamon stick.
Cranberry Cocktail
2 ounces vodka
1/2 ounce vermouth
1/2 ounce cranberry juice
whole cranberries
Same as above but add three cranberries for garnish.
Ginger Snap Martini
3 ounces of vodka
1 teaspoon of ginger syrup
1 small piece of freshly cut ginger
1 ounce of ginger ale
2 thinly sliced orange zests
~Add the vodka and ginger syrup to a glass shaker that is 1/2 full of cracked ice and let stand for about a minute.
~Rub the fresh ginger around the inside of 2 chilled martini glasses.
~Back to your shaker and shake, shake, shake.
~Strain your cocktail into the martini glasses and add 1/2 of the ginger ale to each glass.
~Each glass gets an orange zest.
Snowman Twinkle Martini
1 ounce Goldschlager Cinammon Schnapps
1/2 ounce of Bacardi 151 rum
2 teaspoons Kahlua coffee liqueur
shake shake shake chill and poor!
You're man may grumble and groan about having to deal with all these holiday dinners right in the middle of the day, but after all the summer hillbilly'ing you've done, he can suck it up and deal!
I know a Martini may be intimidating, especially if the beer keg and wine bottle have been your go to for entertaining, but there is nothing to fear. It'll dress up you holiday party and have aunt Bertha trying to put her false teeth into the dog by the end of the night. All you have to remember is Martinis are COLD.
To keep the glass cold you should fill them with Ice and water. Let the glass sit while you mix the drink. To find bar tools and nice glasses for really reasonable prices go to the local dollar store. They usually have something that can get the job done.
Pumpkin Pie Martini:
Now it's almost impossible to find Pumpkin Schnapps anymore, so until it comes back on the market you can use Pumpkin Syrup or puree to sub.
What you need:
1/2 oz Sylk Cream Liqueur
2 oz vanilla vodka
1/2 oz pumpkin liqueur or pumpkin spice syrup
1 tsp whipped cream
cinnamon stick for garnish
~Pour the Sylk Liqueur and vodka into a shaker filled with ice.
~Shake well.
~Add the pumpkin liqueur or syrup.
~Shake again.
~Strain into a chilled cocktail glass.
~Top with a teaspoon of whipped cream.
~Garnish with a cinnamon stick.
Cranberry Cocktail
2 ounces vodka
1/2 ounce vermouth
1/2 ounce cranberry juice
whole cranberries
Same as above but add three cranberries for garnish.
Ginger Snap Martini
3 ounces of vodka
1 teaspoon of ginger syrup
1 small piece of freshly cut ginger
1 ounce of ginger ale
2 thinly sliced orange zests
~Add the vodka and ginger syrup to a glass shaker that is 1/2 full of cracked ice and let stand for about a minute.
~Rub the fresh ginger around the inside of 2 chilled martini glasses.
~Back to your shaker and shake, shake, shake.
~Strain your cocktail into the martini glasses and add 1/2 of the ginger ale to each glass.
~Each glass gets an orange zest.
Snowman Twinkle Martini
1 ounce Goldschlager Cinammon Schnapps
1/2 ounce of Bacardi 151 rum
2 teaspoons Kahlua coffee liqueur
shake shake shake chill and poor!
How to squeeze pie from a pumpkin
You may wonder about how the originators of pumpkin pie...a must have for this time of year...got the ball rolling on the whole craze. Imagine going to the grocery store and not finding the canned mashed pumpkin!! No good. Here's how you make a pumpkin into pie filling.
First of all you need to find the right type of pumpkin. A Sugar, Pie or even Cheese pumpkin is the way to go. You should be able to find them in nearly any store. If you're in a pinch you can also substitute butternut squash or even a jack-o-lantern type pumpkin. You'll just need to adjust the sugar.
Look for a good 6" sizes pumpkin with no bruises or soft spots. Wash and half you pumpkin using a sharp serrated knife. Scoop out the innards so there is only flesh left inside the shell. Save those seed for either planting or roasting!!
Now you can either microwave or stove top cook the pumpkin. To microwave, cut the pumpkin down to smaller pieces, add with about 2 inches of water to the dish and set it on high for 15 minutes or until soft.
To cook stove top use either a steamer to cook the pieces about 15 minutes until soft.
Now let the pieces cool, if the pumpkin was steamed enough you should be able to remove the rind easily. Scoop out the pumpkin into a separate dish. Toss your skins in the compost heap.
Take the pumpkin chunks and puree them until they are silky smooth. Now you should have something roughly the same consistency of baby food. You can can fridge or freeze it until you need to use it. If the mixture is too watery run it through a cheese cloth over night.
Yield: 1 deep dish 9" pie or 2 shallow 8" pies.
More holiday meal ideas to come!!!
First of all you need to find the right type of pumpkin. A Sugar, Pie or even Cheese pumpkin is the way to go. You should be able to find them in nearly any store. If you're in a pinch you can also substitute butternut squash or even a jack-o-lantern type pumpkin. You'll just need to adjust the sugar.
Look for a good 6" sizes pumpkin with no bruises or soft spots. Wash and half you pumpkin using a sharp serrated knife. Scoop out the innards so there is only flesh left inside the shell. Save those seed for either planting or roasting!!
Now you can either microwave or stove top cook the pumpkin. To microwave, cut the pumpkin down to smaller pieces, add with about 2 inches of water to the dish and set it on high for 15 minutes or until soft.
To cook stove top use either a steamer to cook the pieces about 15 minutes until soft.
Now let the pieces cool, if the pumpkin was steamed enough you should be able to remove the rind easily. Scoop out the pumpkin into a separate dish. Toss your skins in the compost heap.
Take the pumpkin chunks and puree them until they are silky smooth. Now you should have something roughly the same consistency of baby food. You can can fridge or freeze it until you need to use it. If the mixture is too watery run it through a cheese cloth over night.
Yield: 1 deep dish 9" pie or 2 shallow 8" pies.
More holiday meal ideas to come!!!
Redneck Anneversery Meanings
Redneck Anniversary Meanings
1 Year ~ Red Meat Anniversary
Show your sweetheart that the only meat you’ll ever eat is his
2 Year ~ Moonshine Anniversary
Re-enact the drunken night that brought you to each other
3 Year ~ Diesel Fuel Anniversary
You sailed through the first two…keep on truckin down the line.
4 Year ~ Keg-orator Anniversary
Why should women get ALL the appliances when you get married?
5 Year ~ Fire Power Anniversary
You showed ‘em all! Congrats to you both go shoot ‘em up!
6 Year ~ Tattoo Anniversary
Love ain’t love till it’s on your ass forever
7 Year ~ Mullet Anniversary
Around 7 years you’ll be settlin’ down. Doesn’t mean the party still can’t rage!!
8 Year ~ Welfare Anniversary
So you have 4 kids under the age of 6 and haven’t had work in 6 months, you still have love
9 Year ~ COPS Cameo Anniversary
Domestic violence my ass, he just loves me!
10 Year ~ Steel Toe Anniversary
You kicked ass on your first 10 years. Keep up the good work with some new boots
25 Year ~ Trailer Park Anniversary
No more livin at Momma’s house, you’re on your own now
50 Year ~ Double Wide Anniversary
By this time you’re gonna wanna upgrade to a double wide anyway to make room for the kids probably haven’t moved out yet.
1 Year ~ Red Meat Anniversary
Show your sweetheart that the only meat you’ll ever eat is his
2 Year ~ Moonshine Anniversary
Re-enact the drunken night that brought you to each other
3 Year ~ Diesel Fuel Anniversary
You sailed through the first two…keep on truckin down the line.
4 Year ~ Keg-orator Anniversary
Why should women get ALL the appliances when you get married?
5 Year ~ Fire Power Anniversary
You showed ‘em all! Congrats to you both go shoot ‘em up!
6 Year ~ Tattoo Anniversary
Love ain’t love till it’s on your ass forever
7 Year ~ Mullet Anniversary
Around 7 years you’ll be settlin’ down. Doesn’t mean the party still can’t rage!!
8 Year ~ Welfare Anniversary
So you have 4 kids under the age of 6 and haven’t had work in 6 months, you still have love
9 Year ~ COPS Cameo Anniversary
Domestic violence my ass, he just loves me!
10 Year ~ Steel Toe Anniversary
You kicked ass on your first 10 years. Keep up the good work with some new boots
25 Year ~ Trailer Park Anniversary
No more livin at Momma’s house, you’re on your own now
50 Year ~ Double Wide Anniversary
By this time you’re gonna wanna upgrade to a double wide anyway to make room for the kids probably haven’t moved out yet.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
8: Wear the mantle with PRIDE
I've recently been doing some reflecting on the many aspects involved with being a Redneck Woman, Tractor Widow, Hillbill-ette...whatever name you go with.
There is a certain amount of pride when I think of all the true country women. Their fashion and hobbies may be mimicked, but the true character can never be.
So many people buy 10 acres attached to a log cabin and go hunting on baited property and refer to their 5,000 square foot, centrally heated and cooled homes as roughing it. They watch Blue Collar Comedy, wear cammo that matches and join the NRA for the privilege of calling themselves redneck.
These people buy property and start businesses to 'refine' the area. They encourage other like minded city people to move out and proceed to seek local offices. They effectively invade the hillbilly way of life in a desire to live as though in a portrait by Norman Rockwell.
In actuality these are the people who think Taylor Swift and Keith Urban are hard core country. The women wear heals everywhere and have a straightening iron in their purse. The men went to boy scout camp when they were little and drive Hummers. They pay hundreds of thousands of dollars to have high paying jobs and then spend their time off in a gym or tanning bed so it looks like they were outside all day.
They feign at the smell of cow flop and protest the start of hunting season. They are also the ones who shop at organic food stores and wonder why there are so many car accidents due to deer in the area.
True redneck women get dirty, take the lions share of work and will be 100% steadfast to their man. They keep a garden going, two or three kids out of trouble, something always in the oven and are the epitome of love in their house. These women wake up at 5 am, push their men out to work, their kids off to school, clean the house, weed the garden, make breakfast lunch and dinner while keeping a 40 hour money earning work week and still have it in them to look great doing it.
They're tough as nails and I hope to grow up to be just like them. Their men work all week outside, come home and work some more on the property and rightfully call themselves the bread earner. They earn every grain of it. But their lady is the the bread maker. She takes every scrap and puts it to use for the benefit of her family.
This leads to a woman with outdated greying hair, a couple more pounds around the middle and dirt stained hands and cloths, but that gives them the respect of their community and their man. They are loved more than any celeb and referred to with reverence.
The most important things to this matriarch are her family, her religion, her country and her friends.
Family is her legacy. It's what she started, grew and adores. Everything she teaches them and provides to them will raise them into upstanding individuals. No woman wants to be the mother of a villain or fool. The proper redneck woman will ensure this by all means.
Though she may swear, drink, steal and enjoy a night with her man out in the field, she'll live by the Bible and keep Jesus in her heart. In the darkest times and worst events that religion will be what gets her through.
Wars are heartbreaking, recessions just suck and idiots get elected. That's just a part of life. In the words of John Wayne though, 'I may not agree with his politics, but he's my president and I respect the office' could describe her feelings. To respectfully disagree with some city people I know, I must also add that hyphenates are malarkey. Your country is where your heart is. I may not have been born here, but by God I am an American. No other flag will have the honor of flying in my yard.
At one point or another the average hillbilly housewife has had to rely on her friends to survive. It's in the code of the redneck not to turn a way a person in need. This is a vital part to their lives as they survive only as a community. It's been that way historically. The settlers were one family and that's how it is today. Thus it's important not to turn your back on your neighbor, whatever the case may be.
TLC and talk shows make these women over. They pitty the poor walmart country mom with over colored hair and worn cloths. I say salute these women, they are the ones who supported the men who made this country great and they are the ones who deserve so much credit.
You will never grasp the greatness to be like them until you respect and learn from them.
There is a certain amount of pride when I think of all the true country women. Their fashion and hobbies may be mimicked, but the true character can never be.
So many people buy 10 acres attached to a log cabin and go hunting on baited property and refer to their 5,000 square foot, centrally heated and cooled homes as roughing it. They watch Blue Collar Comedy, wear cammo that matches and join the NRA for the privilege of calling themselves redneck.
These people buy property and start businesses to 'refine' the area. They encourage other like minded city people to move out and proceed to seek local offices. They effectively invade the hillbilly way of life in a desire to live as though in a portrait by Norman Rockwell.
In actuality these are the people who think Taylor Swift and Keith Urban are hard core country. The women wear heals everywhere and have a straightening iron in their purse. The men went to boy scout camp when they were little and drive Hummers. They pay hundreds of thousands of dollars to have high paying jobs and then spend their time off in a gym or tanning bed so it looks like they were outside all day.
They feign at the smell of cow flop and protest the start of hunting season. They are also the ones who shop at organic food stores and wonder why there are so many car accidents due to deer in the area.
True redneck women get dirty, take the lions share of work and will be 100% steadfast to their man. They keep a garden going, two or three kids out of trouble, something always in the oven and are the epitome of love in their house. These women wake up at 5 am, push their men out to work, their kids off to school, clean the house, weed the garden, make breakfast lunch and dinner while keeping a 40 hour money earning work week and still have it in them to look great doing it.
They're tough as nails and I hope to grow up to be just like them. Their men work all week outside, come home and work some more on the property and rightfully call themselves the bread earner. They earn every grain of it. But their lady is the the bread maker. She takes every scrap and puts it to use for the benefit of her family.
This leads to a woman with outdated greying hair, a couple more pounds around the middle and dirt stained hands and cloths, but that gives them the respect of their community and their man. They are loved more than any celeb and referred to with reverence.
The most important things to this matriarch are her family, her religion, her country and her friends.
Family is her legacy. It's what she started, grew and adores. Everything she teaches them and provides to them will raise them into upstanding individuals. No woman wants to be the mother of a villain or fool. The proper redneck woman will ensure this by all means.
Though she may swear, drink, steal and enjoy a night with her man out in the field, she'll live by the Bible and keep Jesus in her heart. In the darkest times and worst events that religion will be what gets her through.
Wars are heartbreaking, recessions just suck and idiots get elected. That's just a part of life. In the words of John Wayne though, 'I may not agree with his politics, but he's my president and I respect the office' could describe her feelings. To respectfully disagree with some city people I know, I must also add that hyphenates are malarkey. Your country is where your heart is. I may not have been born here, but by God I am an American. No other flag will have the honor of flying in my yard.
At one point or another the average hillbilly housewife has had to rely on her friends to survive. It's in the code of the redneck not to turn a way a person in need. This is a vital part to their lives as they survive only as a community. It's been that way historically. The settlers were one family and that's how it is today. Thus it's important not to turn your back on your neighbor, whatever the case may be.
TLC and talk shows make these women over. They pitty the poor walmart country mom with over colored hair and worn cloths. I say salute these women, they are the ones who supported the men who made this country great and they are the ones who deserve so much credit.
You will never grasp the greatness to be like them until you respect and learn from them.
Monday, October 26, 2009
7: How to plan a boy's night
The He Man Woman Haters Club is not unique to Tractor wives but it is still an obstacle, an additional distraction, to your man's day. The guys show up, and out the door to the club house (aka the shop) he goes. Take some initiative by suggesting a boy's night event at your place. You get to play hostess without the pain of actually having to attend the event!
That's not the only advantage. You get to call the shots for the boy's night event. You also get a card to play for future arguments. When he says 'I don't wanna go out for dinner with your parents' calmly tell him they wanted to go out before but couldn't because of the boys night you set up for him.
Put out a poker set or quoits. Whatever other indoor or outdoor activities your guy and his friends love but never get the chance to do.
Fill a cooler with beer. Don't stick with just one type either. Pick a favorite like Coors or Miller Light and then get something interesting like Killian's or Blue Moon to add variety. Put a bag of ice in and tell the guys, more than likely that will confirm the guest list.
You might want to also make a pitcher of unsweetened Iced Tea so the evening is not 100% alcoholic. Make a pot of boiling water and put in whatever kind of tea is considered Manly. Add it to a pitcher that's 1/3 filled with ice water and stick it in the fridge.
For food you must remember you're feeding MEN. Nothing on a toothpick, no fat free, no healthy. I'm not suggesting you stock up on potato chips and moon pies. Bar food is easy to imitate.
Easy French Fries:
Chop up potatoes to steak fry portions, boil them to the point you can easily fork them, stick 'em CAREFULLY into a deep fryer that's set on high and let them sit for about 15 minutes. No deep fryer? Easy fix. Stick your cooked potatoes on a baking sheet and spritz em with oil, put them in the oven on bake till golden.
Bar Burgers:
Mix ground beef, onions, eggs and bread crumbs. Shape them into smaller type bar burgers. Leave a try of them in the fridge for your man to cook up for his friends. Also leave small rolls or a loaf of Italian bread to toast on the grill and put the burgers in. Cut up some Italian tomatoes and some red onions and leave them out with the rest of the fixins.
Clams:
Go to the market and get some cheese cloth and however many clams you want. Bag em up in the cheese cloth by the half dozen. Boil the water with some seasoning and stick the bags in until the clams open. Melt butter and leave them in a pot in the oven on warm until the guests get there.
Wings:
Buffalo wings get their heat from the time they sit in the sauce. Go out and get some tiny chicken wings and legs. Sift them in egg then flour and fry them. Stick the finished product in sauce and then bake on baking sheet. Leave the Frank's Red Hot though...I put that s*** on everything. Also leave the celery and ranch dressing.
Leave a good selection of the above out. Tell your hubby that you're going out with the wives to dinner and a movie. If he says he wants more time with the guys ask for shopping money. That'll end the evening's events quickly.
This will leave you with the satisfaction of calling the shots on boys night. No rowdy bars, no strippers. You'll be the awesome girlfriend or wife in the eyes of his friends. Most importantly though you'll have given your boy a night he deserves.
That's not the only advantage. You get to call the shots for the boy's night event. You also get a card to play for future arguments. When he says 'I don't wanna go out for dinner with your parents' calmly tell him they wanted to go out before but couldn't because of the boys night you set up for him.
Put out a poker set or quoits. Whatever other indoor or outdoor activities your guy and his friends love but never get the chance to do.
Fill a cooler with beer. Don't stick with just one type either. Pick a favorite like Coors or Miller Light and then get something interesting like Killian's or Blue Moon to add variety. Put a bag of ice in and tell the guys, more than likely that will confirm the guest list.
You might want to also make a pitcher of unsweetened Iced Tea so the evening is not 100% alcoholic. Make a pot of boiling water and put in whatever kind of tea is considered Manly. Add it to a pitcher that's 1/3 filled with ice water and stick it in the fridge.
For food you must remember you're feeding MEN. Nothing on a toothpick, no fat free, no healthy. I'm not suggesting you stock up on potato chips and moon pies. Bar food is easy to imitate.
Easy French Fries:
Chop up potatoes to steak fry portions, boil them to the point you can easily fork them, stick 'em CAREFULLY into a deep fryer that's set on high and let them sit for about 15 minutes. No deep fryer? Easy fix. Stick your cooked potatoes on a baking sheet and spritz em with oil, put them in the oven on bake till golden.
Bar Burgers:
Mix ground beef, onions, eggs and bread crumbs. Shape them into smaller type bar burgers. Leave a try of them in the fridge for your man to cook up for his friends. Also leave small rolls or a loaf of Italian bread to toast on the grill and put the burgers in. Cut up some Italian tomatoes and some red onions and leave them out with the rest of the fixins.
Clams:
Go to the market and get some cheese cloth and however many clams you want. Bag em up in the cheese cloth by the half dozen. Boil the water with some seasoning and stick the bags in until the clams open. Melt butter and leave them in a pot in the oven on warm until the guests get there.
Wings:
Buffalo wings get their heat from the time they sit in the sauce. Go out and get some tiny chicken wings and legs. Sift them in egg then flour and fry them. Stick the finished product in sauce and then bake on baking sheet. Leave the Frank's Red Hot though...I put that s*** on everything. Also leave the celery and ranch dressing.
Leave a good selection of the above out. Tell your hubby that you're going out with the wives to dinner and a movie. If he says he wants more time with the guys ask for shopping money. That'll end the evening's events quickly.
This will leave you with the satisfaction of calling the shots on boys night. No rowdy bars, no strippers. You'll be the awesome girlfriend or wife in the eyes of his friends. Most importantly though you'll have given your boy a night he deserves.
6: Dinner Time: Seafood Veggie stew
Here's another winning recipe I've devised as someone who way too busy and cheap to go out shopping to follow a recipe.
The only place you have to go is your local seafood counter or, much better, farmer's market. Pick up about half a pound each of whatever seafood strikes your fancy. I favor the huge shrimp (I know an oxymoron), lump blue crab meat and about a dozen clams.
Go to your pantry and freezer. Find whatever you have to make a good base for soup. This time I'm going with beef broth and canned crushed tomatoes and tomato sauce. Mix this in your slow cooker and throw in whatever other canned and fresh veggies you have. Corn, potatoes, beans, peas, carrots...anything you find you can throw in.
For a stealth health move throw in a small can of spinach, garbanzo beans and carrot juice. These things will absorb the taste of the stew and add loads of healthy nutrients to the mixture.
Also add in some old bay seasoning, garlic, herbs...pretty much whatever will go nicely together and let your creation simmer for about 3 or 4 hours on high. When it's time to add the seafood your veggies should be bubblin' and you should be fending off your man with a wooden spoon to stay out.
Take an appropriate sized pot, fill with water, add old bay seasoning and bring to a rolling boil. For cooking shellfish you need to not just see bubbles. Make sure the water is very hottt by looking for large bubbles of air and a water surface that is not still. Add your first batch of shellfish. I'd go with shrimp cause you need to cool and shell them. Add the shrimp and everything that's in the bag, ice and all. Don't stir it, don't touch it, just let it return to a rolling boil. As soon as the pot is overflowing and the shrimp are a nice pink they're done. Drain them and run 'em under cold water. Shell and add them to the slow cooker. Do the same for everything else you have with a shell still on it. For clams, they're done when they open, when they do not open, do not eat them, they're bad. Same for muscles. It will be a good idea for your to quickly cook your fish or crab meat to make sure it's cooked properly too.
Add everything into the pot and let it stew down for another hour or so. Cook up some wild rice according to the directions on the box. Serve your mixture over the rice with a good cold beer or bottle of wine.
The stew can be frozen in proper containers or refrigerated for leftovers.
***Be sure to take appropriate cautions with seafood***
The only place you have to go is your local seafood counter or, much better, farmer's market. Pick up about half a pound each of whatever seafood strikes your fancy. I favor the huge shrimp (I know an oxymoron), lump blue crab meat and about a dozen clams.
Go to your pantry and freezer. Find whatever you have to make a good base for soup. This time I'm going with beef broth and canned crushed tomatoes and tomato sauce. Mix this in your slow cooker and throw in whatever other canned and fresh veggies you have. Corn, potatoes, beans, peas, carrots...anything you find you can throw in.
For a stealth health move throw in a small can of spinach, garbanzo beans and carrot juice. These things will absorb the taste of the stew and add loads of healthy nutrients to the mixture.
Also add in some old bay seasoning, garlic, herbs...pretty much whatever will go nicely together and let your creation simmer for about 3 or 4 hours on high. When it's time to add the seafood your veggies should be bubblin' and you should be fending off your man with a wooden spoon to stay out.
Take an appropriate sized pot, fill with water, add old bay seasoning and bring to a rolling boil. For cooking shellfish you need to not just see bubbles. Make sure the water is very hottt by looking for large bubbles of air and a water surface that is not still. Add your first batch of shellfish. I'd go with shrimp cause you need to cool and shell them. Add the shrimp and everything that's in the bag, ice and all. Don't stir it, don't touch it, just let it return to a rolling boil. As soon as the pot is overflowing and the shrimp are a nice pink they're done. Drain them and run 'em under cold water. Shell and add them to the slow cooker. Do the same for everything else you have with a shell still on it. For clams, they're done when they open, when they do not open, do not eat them, they're bad. Same for muscles. It will be a good idea for your to quickly cook your fish or crab meat to make sure it's cooked properly too.
Add everything into the pot and let it stew down for another hour or so. Cook up some wild rice according to the directions on the box. Serve your mixture over the rice with a good cold beer or bottle of wine.
The stew can be frozen in proper containers or refrigerated for leftovers.
***Be sure to take appropriate cautions with seafood***
Saturday, October 24, 2009
5: The call of Nature
We've all been there...hot day, good bonfire, poor timing...any way it happens you're still without a pot to piss in. Where God equipped men with a squirt gun, women have been given a watering can.
I remember being a little girl and seeing my dad and brother actually go outside to pee in the bushes. I asked my mom why they did that, momma would say they were marking their territory. Both of them would go out in any weather and 'kill the weeds' as they would say.
My tractor boy does just that. He doesn't care where when or who's around. Once we were on our way into my sister's house and he thought it would be OK to mark the neighbor's mailbox. Certain times when he does that it embarrasses me. Other times, when I have to unbutton my jeans cause I'm that close to having my bladder burst, I envy his ability to unzip and let go.
I mean really!!!! You can pee on an airplane, bus and in any restaurant for the price of small soda.
How is it you have ended up in this situation? Here are some tips to getting through this situation.
Find a secluded place to cop-a-squat. You don't want to commit to a location and suddenly hear voices or see headlights. Make sure the grass is not too tall to avoid an amorous tick. The ideal place will have level ground and something to lean against. Assume the possition, remember to pull your pants WAY out of the line of fire. Let it go!
I remember being a little girl and seeing my dad and brother actually go outside to pee in the bushes. I asked my mom why they did that, momma would say they were marking their territory. Both of them would go out in any weather and 'kill the weeds' as they would say.
My tractor boy does just that. He doesn't care where when or who's around. Once we were on our way into my sister's house and he thought it would be OK to mark the neighbor's mailbox. Certain times when he does that it embarrasses me. Other times, when I have to unbutton my jeans cause I'm that close to having my bladder burst, I envy his ability to unzip and let go.
I mean really!!!! You can pee on an airplane, bus and in any restaurant for the price of small soda.
How is it you have ended up in this situation? Here are some tips to getting through this situation.
Find a secluded place to cop-a-squat. You don't want to commit to a location and suddenly hear voices or see headlights. Make sure the grass is not too tall to avoid an amorous tick. The ideal place will have level ground and something to lean against. Assume the possition, remember to pull your pants WAY out of the line of fire. Let it go!
Thursday, October 22, 2009
4:Wardrobe Suggestions
Suppose you wake up in the morning and decide to tag along to whatever morning events will be occupying your Tractor Boy. You throw on a t-shit, jeans and sneakers and grab your very fashionable little jacket. No need to dry your hair and put make-up on...it's just an auction. Out the door you go.
Fast forward to when you are getting home and you're hottt. You just wanted to spend some time with him right?? Nice in thought, horrible in actuality. Your morning started nice and sweet. He took you for a bagel and you road nice and cozy along side of him on the bench seat of his truck. You went to an auction, where he ran into one of his buddies. As soon as the sale started it was like taking a 5 year old to the mall. One second you're standing next to him, the next time you turn around there's a dust outline of him as he's run off to look at some rusted piece of bended metal. Sigh...you love him, just remember that.
Lets just hope the weather was cooperating. If not by noon time, when the auction is coming to an end you're shoes will be soaked through, your jeans will be wet to your knee and you'll be freezing. Every single individual piece of metal has been sold separately. The day has been ENDLESS and you keep asking what he wants to bid on so much. 'Oh, at this point I think it's gonna go for way too much but I wanna see what it sells for'.
Right...that's worth putting your girlfriend through hell for. To see what a tractor that looks like every other tractor on his property will sell for. Sigh...you like him allot, just remember that.
Sale ends and back in the car you go. At this time he informs you that his buddy what's-his-face that he's been canoodling with all day wants him to stop by quick look at something on his farm. OK, fine, that falls under the code of the hillbilly. Help neighbors, get favors, get paid. It takes all of about 5 minutes to diagnose the problem. The parts for which can't be found until at least Monday when TSC opens up. The remainder of the 2 hours you spend in that barn or field you spend watching them drink beer and talk about every piece of farm equipment in the county.
You're so board you're about to burst into tears. Why oh why do we need to do this you keep thinking. You're hungry because you only thought to bring an ATM card to the auction and the RV that sells hot dogs deals only with cold hard cash. Sigh...he looks awful nice in the right cut of jeans, just remember that.
Now when the sun starts to set and the call of a nice warm shower is so tangible you can almost feel it a text comes in that his friends are down at the local watering hole and you're gonna go join 'em. Why would you need to go home first? It'll just take more time and you don't need to look great, who is there to impress?
You show up, oily hair, pissed off look on your face dressed like a trucker and smelling like a barn. All the other girlfriends seem to magically look beautiful and you look like you just came from the jungle. At this point you're out of 'just remembers'. He's getting an earful on the way home and not gettin' any for at least a week!
All of this could have been avoided easily by proper planning and being well informed.
Stock his truck with your stuff. If he complains just say tough and explain to him that this is like the time he decided to keep a mini flashlight and pocket knife on him when they went to pay his parking tickets at the court house. It made sense to him to bring it but no one else appreciated the value.
Go to the local drug store and find that cheap-o make-up that isn't great but will do in a pinch. The $1.99 type stuff. Get only the essentials to make you look normal. Throw it in a zip lock and stash it in the glove box. Stick a mini fold up brush in the center console along with a pack of gum. And possibly pick up a travel sized bottle of Tylenol to keep in there too.
Now for the strategy. Find the ruddiest cruddiest small sized tote bag that you don't value anymore. Stick in there a nice plain colored cute t-shirt, a pair of socks a small cheesy novel, a pocket umbrella, hair ties, some hand warmers and a $10 bill. Stick it by the door and the next time you run out quick you'll be set for all possible events.
Be sure also to dress in layers. As the seasons change, remember to change your 'boy cloths' wardrobe.
Invest in some long sleeved t-shirts, heavy sweatshirts, a Carhartt jacket and some steal toed boots. Stay away from the cute fashionable jeans and go for something with a lot of work in them. When it comes to following your hillbilly, they don't really care too much for how fashionable you look out on the farm. It's no beauty contest. Simple is sweet and that's what they tend to like. Not too much fuss and everyone ends up with a nicer day.
Fast forward to when you are getting home and you're hottt. You just wanted to spend some time with him right?? Nice in thought, horrible in actuality. Your morning started nice and sweet. He took you for a bagel and you road nice and cozy along side of him on the bench seat of his truck. You went to an auction, where he ran into one of his buddies. As soon as the sale started it was like taking a 5 year old to the mall. One second you're standing next to him, the next time you turn around there's a dust outline of him as he's run off to look at some rusted piece of bended metal. Sigh...you love him, just remember that.
Lets just hope the weather was cooperating. If not by noon time, when the auction is coming to an end you're shoes will be soaked through, your jeans will be wet to your knee and you'll be freezing. Every single individual piece of metal has been sold separately. The day has been ENDLESS and you keep asking what he wants to bid on so much. 'Oh, at this point I think it's gonna go for way too much but I wanna see what it sells for'.
Right...that's worth putting your girlfriend through hell for. To see what a tractor that looks like every other tractor on his property will sell for. Sigh...you like him allot, just remember that.
Sale ends and back in the car you go. At this time he informs you that his buddy what's-his-face that he's been canoodling with all day wants him to stop by quick look at something on his farm. OK, fine, that falls under the code of the hillbilly. Help neighbors, get favors, get paid. It takes all of about 5 minutes to diagnose the problem. The parts for which can't be found until at least Monday when TSC opens up. The remainder of the 2 hours you spend in that barn or field you spend watching them drink beer and talk about every piece of farm equipment in the county.
You're so board you're about to burst into tears. Why oh why do we need to do this you keep thinking. You're hungry because you only thought to bring an ATM card to the auction and the RV that sells hot dogs deals only with cold hard cash. Sigh...he looks awful nice in the right cut of jeans, just remember that.
Now when the sun starts to set and the call of a nice warm shower is so tangible you can almost feel it a text comes in that his friends are down at the local watering hole and you're gonna go join 'em. Why would you need to go home first? It'll just take more time and you don't need to look great, who is there to impress?
You show up, oily hair, pissed off look on your face dressed like a trucker and smelling like a barn. All the other girlfriends seem to magically look beautiful and you look like you just came from the jungle. At this point you're out of 'just remembers'. He's getting an earful on the way home and not gettin' any for at least a week!
All of this could have been avoided easily by proper planning and being well informed.
Stock his truck with your stuff. If he complains just say tough and explain to him that this is like the time he decided to keep a mini flashlight and pocket knife on him when they went to pay his parking tickets at the court house. It made sense to him to bring it but no one else appreciated the value.
Go to the local drug store and find that cheap-o make-up that isn't great but will do in a pinch. The $1.99 type stuff. Get only the essentials to make you look normal. Throw it in a zip lock and stash it in the glove box. Stick a mini fold up brush in the center console along with a pack of gum. And possibly pick up a travel sized bottle of Tylenol to keep in there too.
Now for the strategy. Find the ruddiest cruddiest small sized tote bag that you don't value anymore. Stick in there a nice plain colored cute t-shirt, a pair of socks a small cheesy novel, a pocket umbrella, hair ties, some hand warmers and a $10 bill. Stick it by the door and the next time you run out quick you'll be set for all possible events.
Be sure also to dress in layers. As the seasons change, remember to change your 'boy cloths' wardrobe.
Invest in some long sleeved t-shirts, heavy sweatshirts, a Carhartt jacket and some steal toed boots. Stay away from the cute fashionable jeans and go for something with a lot of work in them. When it comes to following your hillbilly, they don't really care too much for how fashionable you look out on the farm. It's no beauty contest. Simple is sweet and that's what they tend to like. Not too much fuss and everyone ends up with a nicer day.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
3:Dinner Time: Steak Dinner
When it comes to eatin' the average hillbilly has major food groups. Meat, potatos, beer and more beer. The meat is usually the privlege and responsability of the man. You can, however, be valuable as a support staff.
Meat Prep:
This may be the job of the man, but if you want to help and he's short on time, here's what you do. Get as many steaks as you need for your dinner. Be sure to go to a butcher who cuts meat for you. You're going to ask for your steaks cut at least 2 inches thick and be sure there is LOTS of marbled fat in the meat.
Tenderize the meat by making shallow cuts in the meat, never mash it with a tenderizer. Put the meat in a deep dish and incorporate a good steak rub and some tenderizer. Allow your meat to sit in the fridge for a few hours. No need to drown it in oil
Potato Salad:
While you're waiting for your meat to get nice and tender you can work on the Potato Salad. Every great hillbilly will have an equally great hillbill-ette to make a stellar Potato Salad. It's key to a well balanced meal.
Take a good deal of red potatos and wash them off and cut them into bite size quarters. Because you're using red potatos feel free to leave the skins on for an earthier taste. Get a nice size pot boiling and cook the potatos until you can easily stick them with a fork...don't let them cook too long that they fall apart. While your cookin the taters hard boil some eggs by placing them in a pot of very cold water and them putting them into a pot of boiling water for about 3-5 minutes. Shell and cut up your eggs and put them in a bowl with your cooked potatos.
Mix in some mayo, mustard, celery and black pepper to taste. To sneak in some healthy food in use light mayo in this mix. He'll never know. Put your mixture in the fridge.
When it's time to start the grille and cook the meat you should make sure you have a lighter on hand to avoid frustration. When the meat goes out the door, you should have about half an hour until dinner time. This would be a good time to take a few glass mugs, run them under water and place them in the freezer. Make sure you have at least a 6 pack in the fridge ready to go.
To set a proper steak dinner table you shouldn't need to have any spices or sauces out. Be sure you have a set of sharp knives and heavy forks. Put the Potato Salad out and when your man comes in you can enjoy your dinner with a frosty mug of beer.
Meat Prep:
This may be the job of the man, but if you want to help and he's short on time, here's what you do. Get as many steaks as you need for your dinner. Be sure to go to a butcher who cuts meat for you. You're going to ask for your steaks cut at least 2 inches thick and be sure there is LOTS of marbled fat in the meat.
Tenderize the meat by making shallow cuts in the meat, never mash it with a tenderizer. Put the meat in a deep dish and incorporate a good steak rub and some tenderizer. Allow your meat to sit in the fridge for a few hours. No need to drown it in oil
Potato Salad:
While you're waiting for your meat to get nice and tender you can work on the Potato Salad. Every great hillbilly will have an equally great hillbill-ette to make a stellar Potato Salad. It's key to a well balanced meal.
Take a good deal of red potatos and wash them off and cut them into bite size quarters. Because you're using red potatos feel free to leave the skins on for an earthier taste. Get a nice size pot boiling and cook the potatos until you can easily stick them with a fork...don't let them cook too long that they fall apart. While your cookin the taters hard boil some eggs by placing them in a pot of very cold water and them putting them into a pot of boiling water for about 3-5 minutes. Shell and cut up your eggs and put them in a bowl with your cooked potatos.
Mix in some mayo, mustard, celery and black pepper to taste. To sneak in some healthy food in use light mayo in this mix. He'll never know. Put your mixture in the fridge.
When it's time to start the grille and cook the meat you should make sure you have a lighter on hand to avoid frustration. When the meat goes out the door, you should have about half an hour until dinner time. This would be a good time to take a few glass mugs, run them under water and place them in the freezer. Make sure you have at least a 6 pack in the fridge ready to go.
To set a proper steak dinner table you shouldn't need to have any spices or sauces out. Be sure you have a set of sharp knives and heavy forks. Put the Potato Salad out and when your man comes in you can enjoy your dinner with a frosty mug of beer.
2:Know your opponent
The first step in co-existing with your hunney's metal beast is to know your opponent.
A fatal flaw would be in assuming a tractor is a tractor. If you wear red and he pulls green, you have made a tractor fashion faux pah. The inner workings of the tractor may bore you to tears but the effort you do put towards getting to know his tractor counts as effort made to getting to know your man. He may dismount his diesel steed but they are never separated.
Identify the make and model of the tractor. Compare it to other tractors you see and complement him on what you enjoy about his tractor in comparison. It's like a teacher telling a mother that their kid excels. It may be hogwash but it makes momma beam with pride.
For example...the great green beast my man calls his true love is usually the biggest one on the trailer when we go to pulls. It looks like the hulk among the tiny trailer-mates. Recently a new girl moved on the block. The exact same make and model as my man's beloved. This new tractor was beautiful. No visible rust, meaner engine and more accessories. Imagine a real life barbie moving on the block and you now feel like Rosanne Connor, that's what essentially happened. The competition from his tractor compatriot was welcome...however he was no longer the biggest and meanest. I looked at the situation and found the perfect remark. I commented how the new tractor looked like the fisher-price version and proceeded to call it baby's first tractor. The look of pride on my man's face and the look of shock on his friend's was worth the witty remark.
The point to my story is not to knock down the other tractors. That would label you tractor bitch. My point is that just because you can't recite specs from a manual, does not mean you are out of the tractor conversation. Pay attention to what they talk about. Learn the lessons of a proper turbo and tire cut.
If you're worried about sounding like your just a tape recorder, just think about all the times he's talked to his buddies about his tractor. How mind-numbingly repetitive it can be. Remember there is not a thing on earth he would rather talk about even if its stuff he's already heard, said or read. It's tractor talk and he'll appreciate it.
Other tips:
Find a hoodie that's durable and bares the brand of his tractor decal. He'll love it and when you're stuck in a field watching the butts of him and his friends bent over the engine you will be warm and toasty...and not just from the burning rage of missing the dinner reservations.
Never underestimate the amount of tractor related paraphernalia out there. Go to the local tractor supply or online and type in the make. An entire world of possible Christmas gifts lies out there. Just think about how many sports fanatics pay hand over fist for Jerseys and other junk...you only have to shell out $20 bucks for a t-shirt, if he liked hockey it'd be $40
It may be good to keep a running list of what he's said he wants on the tractor and when you're browsing craigslist or eBay you may run across it. There are never too many eyes when it comes to making a deal.
NEVER EVER EVER:
Discuss the tractor with people outside the inner circle of friends.
Openly insult the tractor.
Demean him for his adoration of the tractor. This last one is important. By making him feel bad about what he loves, it's the best way to break his heart. You'll be out the door in a minute. It keeps him out of trouble, just deal with it.
A fatal flaw would be in assuming a tractor is a tractor. If you wear red and he pulls green, you have made a tractor fashion faux pah. The inner workings of the tractor may bore you to tears but the effort you do put towards getting to know his tractor counts as effort made to getting to know your man. He may dismount his diesel steed but they are never separated.
Identify the make and model of the tractor. Compare it to other tractors you see and complement him on what you enjoy about his tractor in comparison. It's like a teacher telling a mother that their kid excels. It may be hogwash but it makes momma beam with pride.
For example...the great green beast my man calls his true love is usually the biggest one on the trailer when we go to pulls. It looks like the hulk among the tiny trailer-mates. Recently a new girl moved on the block. The exact same make and model as my man's beloved. This new tractor was beautiful. No visible rust, meaner engine and more accessories. Imagine a real life barbie moving on the block and you now feel like Rosanne Connor, that's what essentially happened. The competition from his tractor compatriot was welcome...however he was no longer the biggest and meanest. I looked at the situation and found the perfect remark. I commented how the new tractor looked like the fisher-price version and proceeded to call it baby's first tractor. The look of pride on my man's face and the look of shock on his friend's was worth the witty remark.
The point to my story is not to knock down the other tractors. That would label you tractor bitch. My point is that just because you can't recite specs from a manual, does not mean you are out of the tractor conversation. Pay attention to what they talk about. Learn the lessons of a proper turbo and tire cut.
If you're worried about sounding like your just a tape recorder, just think about all the times he's talked to his buddies about his tractor. How mind-numbingly repetitive it can be. Remember there is not a thing on earth he would rather talk about even if its stuff he's already heard, said or read. It's tractor talk and he'll appreciate it.
Other tips:
Find a hoodie that's durable and bares the brand of his tractor decal. He'll love it and when you're stuck in a field watching the butts of him and his friends bent over the engine you will be warm and toasty...and not just from the burning rage of missing the dinner reservations.
Never underestimate the amount of tractor related paraphernalia out there. Go to the local tractor supply or online and type in the make. An entire world of possible Christmas gifts lies out there. Just think about how many sports fanatics pay hand over fist for Jerseys and other junk...you only have to shell out $20 bucks for a t-shirt, if he liked hockey it'd be $40
It may be good to keep a running list of what he's said he wants on the tractor and when you're browsing craigslist or eBay you may run across it. There are never too many eyes when it comes to making a deal.
NEVER EVER EVER:
Discuss the tractor with people outside the inner circle of friends.
Openly insult the tractor.
Demean him for his adoration of the tractor. This last one is important. By making him feel bad about what he loves, it's the best way to break his heart. You'll be out the door in a minute. It keeps him out of trouble, just deal with it.
1:Introduction to the Tractor Widow
The average diesel huffing, sunshine loving, PBR drinking hillbilly's life is made complete not by his woman, dog or even momma. His life is full filled only by the loving embrace of his tractor. Red Green Yellow or Orange, the race of a tractor won't matter. It is the beautiful sound of power that erupts from the engine, the throat closing fumes from the exhaust and the ass numbing vibration of the seat that attracts the hillbilly to his love. All others may fall from his grace, but his tractor will always be the apple of a hillbilly's eye.
What does that mean for all others? That means unless you're dieing, cooking or holding his beer, you have little place in that close bond. If this makes you angry, then you have a lifetime of anger and fighting a head of you. It is just easier to accept the steal mistress as just that. It's the other woman. When it's sick, he'll comfort it, when it wins, he'll beam with pride and when when it does exceptionally well, you better believe that $200 bucks earmarked for your Christmas presents is going towards a turbo.
Ladies, I understand the frustration and fascination with this bond. I have a theory as to what fuels the attraction. The one thing men cannot do is produce life. They cannot form and create the legacy that women can. They envy this so they turn to tractors. They make them, improve them and push them to succeed through endless shop nights and limitless expense.
When I first became part of the menage trios of tractor widow life I both out of place and a pain in the butt for the first 4 months. I cursed that tractor. I would kick the front tires and envy it's attention to the point where I made myself a pain to my hillbilly. Then I found inspiration.
I suddenly realized that the best way to beat 'em was to join 'em. I found several tactics to ingrain myself into the tractor part of life. In my blog I will give you tips and tricks for how to become an active and invited party to the tractor world. Stop on by and I'll try to put up a post every day or so to keep all you fellow tractor widows with your hillbillies! Any questions or problems ask the Tractor Widow and I'll do my best to answer.
All for now, signing off!
What does that mean for all others? That means unless you're dieing, cooking or holding his beer, you have little place in that close bond. If this makes you angry, then you have a lifetime of anger and fighting a head of you. It is just easier to accept the steal mistress as just that. It's the other woman. When it's sick, he'll comfort it, when it wins, he'll beam with pride and when when it does exceptionally well, you better believe that $200 bucks earmarked for your Christmas presents is going towards a turbo.
Ladies, I understand the frustration and fascination with this bond. I have a theory as to what fuels the attraction. The one thing men cannot do is produce life. They cannot form and create the legacy that women can. They envy this so they turn to tractors. They make them, improve them and push them to succeed through endless shop nights and limitless expense.
When I first became part of the menage trios of tractor widow life I both out of place and a pain in the butt for the first 4 months. I cursed that tractor. I would kick the front tires and envy it's attention to the point where I made myself a pain to my hillbilly. Then I found inspiration.
I suddenly realized that the best way to beat 'em was to join 'em. I found several tactics to ingrain myself into the tractor part of life. In my blog I will give you tips and tricks for how to become an active and invited party to the tractor world. Stop on by and I'll try to put up a post every day or so to keep all you fellow tractor widows with your hillbillies! Any questions or problems ask the Tractor Widow and I'll do my best to answer.
All for now, signing off!
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