2:Know your opponent

The first step in co-existing with your hunney's metal beast is to know your opponent.

A fatal flaw would be in assuming a tractor is a tractor. If you wear red and he pulls green, you have made a tractor fashion faux pah. The inner workings of the tractor may bore you to tears but the effort you do put towards getting to know his tractor counts as effort made to getting to know your man. He may dismount his diesel steed but they are never separated.

Identify the make and model of the tractor. Compare it to other tractors you see and complement him on what you enjoy about his tractor in comparison. It's like a teacher telling a mother that their kid excels. It may be hogwash but it makes momma beam with pride.

For example...the great green beast my man calls his true love is usually the biggest one on the trailer when we go to pulls. It looks like the hulk among the tiny trailer-mates. Recently a new girl moved on the block. The exact same make and model as my man's beloved. This new tractor was beautiful. No visible rust, meaner engine and more accessories. Imagine a real life barbie moving on the block and you now feel like Rosanne Connor, that's what essentially happened. The competition from his tractor compatriot was welcome...however he was no longer the biggest and meanest. I looked at the situation and found the perfect remark. I commented how the new tractor looked like the fisher-price version and proceeded to call it baby's first tractor. The look of pride on my man's face and the look of shock on his friend's was worth the witty remark.

The point to my story is not to knock down the other tractors. That would label you tractor bitch. My point is that just because you can't recite specs from a manual, does not mean you are out of the tractor conversation. Pay attention to what they talk about. Learn the lessons of a proper turbo and tire cut.

If you're worried about sounding like your just a tape recorder, just think about all the times he's talked to his buddies about his tractor. How mind-numbingly repetitive it can be. Remember there is not a thing on earth he would rather talk about even if its stuff he's already heard, said or read. It's tractor talk and he'll appreciate it.



Other tips:

Find a hoodie that's durable and bares the brand of his tractor decal. He'll love it and when you're stuck in a field watching the butts of him and his friends bent over the engine you will be warm and toasty...and not just from the burning rage of missing the dinner reservations.

Never underestimate the amount of tractor related paraphernalia out there. Go to the local tractor supply or online and type in the make. An entire world of possible Christmas gifts lies out there. Just think about how many sports fanatics pay hand over fist for Jerseys and other junk...you only have to shell out $20 bucks for a t-shirt, if he liked hockey it'd be $40

It may be good to keep a running list of what he's said he wants on the tractor and when you're browsing craigslist or eBay you may run across it. There are never too many eyes when it comes to making a deal.

NEVER EVER EVER:

Discuss the tractor with people outside the inner circle of friends.

Openly insult the tractor.

Demean him for his adoration of the tractor. This last one is important. By making him feel bad about what he loves, it's the best way to break his heart. You'll be out the door in a minute. It keeps him out of trouble, just deal with it.